(I was sent this by someone familiar with my blog. She wished to tell her story, in her own words)
The lines are being drawn as to deserved and non deserved abortions, for some the sound of the word is enough to induce judders, others blithely refer to agendas and rights and life as if it was a straightforward procedure with set points to slot in children and love and dare I say hope into linear trajectories.
I have no hope, I lost it a while ago and have found myself searching for it in strange places, in the FAS office, on the pages of Monster, in emigration visa forms, in my child’s face. Time and time again, letter after email thanking me for my interest or informing me that I failed to meet the criteria, another day of struggling to make ends meet and the small glimmer, that 13 will be a lucky number, that this year we will escape, that poverty is just a temporary state, that you are of worth, is scuppered by a few lines in windows on the cheapest pregnancy test I could get.
I’m pregnant, I’m in a long term relationship, I love him, and I know I would love this baby, but I can’t bring a child into this. I cannot have a baby and no job, no future, no escape. I know I should have been more careful, one mistake in 7 years, part of me is thankful, a small collection of cells reminding me that life continues outside of this daily stress, that those pills I take to make life bearable and save me from the suicidal mess I was in before are not the only thing that could bring joy. I find myself sobbing, the big loud body shaking sobs that rattle your soul, although I guess I don’t have one of those considering what I’m forced to consider.
So given my situation the only option I can take, is the proverbial boat. I am deeply saddened to have to do this. This is not an easy decision and it’s made harder still by the fact the I have to leave the country, I cannot talk to me GP, I cannot talk to a lot of my friends and family about it, it is an act that nobody wants but sometimes you have to commit to.
I don’t want to have an abortion but life is too hard already, I envy friends that announce their pregnancies and many years ago wished that I could have done so with my first child, another accident, I promised myself the next time would be different, older and wiser and far more aware. I know better now. I know the costs and I cannot do it to my family unit at this time. I must have an abortion, I don’t want it on some level, but that is a selfish level, the one that knows how full the heart can become with love for a child. I find my mind fluttering between the positive and negative parts trying desperately to balance them, and I cannot. I must act, an act I know will stay with me and possibly stop me from ever having a child again, but what choice have I when there is no hope? A baby, will mean I’m stuck here, I need a job, an income, security, even a roof over my head is a dubious proposition in the next six months let alone an infant.
Know this dear reader, I am not taking this decision lightly, I am not using this as emergency contraception, I am not going to have one of these every 6 months, I am not ruining my life, I’m trying to save it, and the only thing the abortion laws in this country cause is more suffering and time because I have to get a substantial amount of money together to do this. I suppose there are some who would say I deserve to suffer because of what I must do, fear not, I do! I must give up something I would like for something I need. I need to be well, I need to be secure, then and only then can I be safe enough to have a baby.
